Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Very little is needed to make a happy life. It is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action. When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them. The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault. Too often we give our children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man. A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Everything has been figured out, except how to live. A witty saying proves nothing. I would like to believe when I die that I have given myself away like a tree that sows seed every spring and never counts the loss, because it is not loss, it is adding to future life. It is the tree's way of being. Strongly rooted perhaps, but spilling out its treasure on the wind. A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Touch is the most fundamental sense. A baby experiences it, all over, before he is born and long after he learns to use sight, hearing, or taste, and no human ever ceases to need it. Keep your children short on pocket money - but long on hugs A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. The Eskimo has fifty-two names for snow because it is important to them; there ought to be as many for love. Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. Too often we give our children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! We have art to save ourselves from the truth. Too often we give our children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. Hope is like a road in the country: there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches. Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a ... brain operation. A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea. The best proof of love is trust. We have art to save ourselves from the truth. While we are postponing, life speeds by. A witty saying proves nothing. I would have made a good Pope. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life. Too often we give our children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working. The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well. A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a shp, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore to this day. I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. All right, Brain, I don't like you and you don't like me -- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. No one can earn a million dollars honestly. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. Facts are the enemy of truth. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches. When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks. Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. The Eskimo has fifty-two names for snow because it is important to them; there ought to be as many for love. Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time. Those who are willing to sacrifice essential liberties for a little order, will lose both and deserve neither. I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'. When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite. No dictator, no invader, can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power, governments and tyrants and armies cannot stand. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Solitude, if rightly used, becomes not only a privilege but a necessity. Only a superficial soul fears to fraternize with itself. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows. It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? No elected body is the country, we are the country. You and me. Us. It can only stay that way as long as we care to keep it so. A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years. I'll sleep when I'm dead.
|